My life in this half a year 2006

Just to conclude this half year of 2006 I am facing.. Whenever new year come, everyone will say, Xing De Yi Nian, Xing De Yi Tian, and Xing De Kai Shi.. But to me, I totally hate 2006 year... Although when 2005, my dad past away is my only DaJi, but this year is totally more DaJi to me... During march, I face this Daji alot alot alot.. and now June I face again 3 DaJi... All these DaJi happening is all because of me, my fault... I am totally wrong, wrong until so jialat.. I am not being a gd S******, I am not being a S******, I am not being a hardworking student, and lastly I am not being a gd best friend... These four thing is my ever lowerest period of my life is this 2006.. Somemore during june, 3 problem continuosly happen at the same time... Argz... In my whole life, I think I never face any of this Daji continuosly, ususally is spread to different months... But just this june, can kill me alot alot alot...

My 2 best friends scare that I will have negative thought again and will hurt myself.. hm... I admit I have thought of killing myself only.. I didnt do it because of alot reasons.. As for hurting myself, of cos I wont use knife or watever thing like the past, I wont hurt myself physically.. Cos all this hurt already cannot compared to my heart hurt... No matter what, I will not forgive myself for letting all this to happen..

I know all these is my kao Yan given to me by God, wanna me to become a even more better person, stronger person.. From this past year till now, I learnt that the more Treasure I put, the more Kaoyan and hurt I will get.. If I can change my life, I will choose to be like my sister who dont bother of all these, Tian Ta Xia Lai Dang Bei Gai.. Argz!!!!!!!! Recently, I still blame my mother for being giving birth to me.. Since me and my sister are just like only one child, I rather my sister come to this world.. My mum told me tat last time she very Wu Zhi, bec of some unhappy thing, she got try to make us away when she pregnant, she try to eat medicine, eat those thing that will Liu Chang one, but no matter how she try, She just cant get rid of us.. Then I told my mother, you shd have try another method ma... Maybe when you all hear liao, will say that I will hurt my mother, But i can say that is my mother wont hurt by wat I say liao, cos she know me well... In the end, she sayang me and call me dont cry liao... Argz!!!!

I am really very very very tired tired tired...Physically and mentally tired.. No matter what, resulting in all this happening is all because of me, I will not forgive myself, i promise... Is all my fault!!!

I will close my heart, I will not give my feeling to anyone else liao, maybe only my real Bai Ma Wang Zi or might not.. I know my friends, jie, especially my tcm friends, alot of them really concerning of me.. I am really touched, thanks..

This few days those 3 guys either msn and sms me, and 2 of them show me their care and concern.. My cousin wanna to accompany me and go DRINKS if I want.. When I read liao, I only thanks them for concerning me.. But I am not really touched at all.. I appeciate only.. I dont feel any happiness when 3 guys woo me at the same time, cos I already destroy my real and the most treasure Happiness in my hand... I really dont have anymore feeling on this.. If in the past, I will be so happy that guys woo me.. And I will easily agree to stead with them or wat.. But now, No.. I will solve this BGR in this few days, I just dont wanna drag liao..

Btw, my sis going to engagement soon, but dont know is this year or next year, the guy has told his family about it liao.. If you ever ask am I happy of it, I will just say ok lor, that is not just bec of jealous of her or wat.. I will congrats her and give her my blessing... I will never envyor jealous of her in my life, if got is only that she is much more prettier than me, but in term of relationship, I din.. I just hope her to have more mature thinking, to be more understanding person, and to be more filial to her future mother-in-law or father-in-law, and also especially to my mother.. I wont expect anymore from her liao.. All the best..

But I know that all my relatives or friends will keep saying that, how about yours, when you going to marry, or have you find bf or watever, I will only just smile to them, and say hm.. sun qi zhi ran... I might feel abit unhappy to hear those thing, but I just dont wanna carry on those conversation.. Her type of happiness and my type of happiness is totally different..

hm.. Wat is a PROMISE to me actually.. In the past, I really Zhong Shi on this promise.. Promise is a very important to me.. But now recent happening, I realised that the important of this Promise has slowly decrease.. No matter someone give me promise, but in the end break it, I am dammed sad and hurt of it, or I give other ppl promises and yet I also din fulfill, and this hurt me more.. I am tired of all this.. But to those promise I give to mum, jie, and her, I will fulfill it.. This is only to show how much important of promise i feel in the past.. But now, frm tml onward, I wont give any one any promise liao.. I know how much hurt i get just bec of Promise.. I will treasure the rest of those promises until when each of this promises can fulfil, I know I will not get that hurt liao.. If i will promise, I will only give to my god about the Qing Xiu thing at the age of 29, where at least I will still fulfill this promise I given to her... Time will fly past, all thing is hard to say, I will try my best just to fulfill this promise...

This willl be my last blog of writing those saddness thing.. In future, I will only share my happy thing.. I will keep all my sadness in my heart and in (Me & Her) diary... I will keep this in my heart until I leave this world.. Jie once told me that wat if burst how, hm.. Jie, if really burst, that will be my last day of life liao... Jie, you will say that I am Yi Qi Yong Shi, but to me, I am not.. That is bec I realise that sharing saddness or not sharing saddness, thing still happening.. But I now Truly know tat wat I want, and that is if sharing saddness will cos other party to be sad, worry also, I really wont wanna share.. I meant it.. I rather choose not to be a gd friend now, rather them making ppl sad for me.. Do you understand, jie... I know I am very emotional, and I always cant hide my feeling, cos my expression will show it, But do you know sometimes my mother dont even know I am so down, sad, that is bec I will choose to avoid her, dont wanna see me like that.. No matter Got share or not share, I know I will still be wrong, if that the case, I will choose to hide it.. Jie you say that whatever thing I do, or I made, YOu will support me one.. I know that I cannot Yi Qi Yong Shi, but if 2 weeks later I still have this thinking very strong, pls support me.. No matter wat, I will still lend my ear to you, or other friends to share you all thing.. I am really dammed tired, tired in everything, giving up alot thing that I wish i am not.. But I will continue it..

Lastly, thanks for all friends that care and concern of me... I appreciate it..

I have already try my best to do watever I shd do, but in the end, what I get? Only recieve more hurt and saddness.. In that case, I will choose to give up what is the best I shd do, give up on wat is the perfect, give up of my thinking.. I just wanna to be a normal person.. Those treasure thing I used to think is also very important to me, I will slowy let go, as I say earlier on, the more Treasure I am, more hurt will be made on me.. Still got about 20 years of life to go, I will now only concentrate on my mission, that all.. As long as I can fulfil my mission, I will die withour regret (jie, you know right)... I stop here, watever I wanna say, I have type in this blog liao.. Take care, and all the best for my friends...