Wanna giveup temporary...

I hope to get my tcm liscence 5 years from now. But I now feel a bit siansation, no mood, really wanna stop first, few years later then continue my tcm. Even though I still have very strong interest in tcm, but now I really cannot concentrate. I really hope to find a job first, then save alot of money, so that next time if I study tcm, I can fully concentrate, with no worry.. As for now, seeing my mother who has to work for 10plus hours, I really wanna work so that she will not be so tired, and her health is getting worse if continue like that... Before my father left, I have told her that she still need to TaHan for only a few months, cos I am going to graduate soon,and I will be working after poly, then she won't be so XinKu... But now, she has try to earn as much as she can, thus, accept those buffet (sometimes only Ji Shi Kuai Jian, work so many hours..), just for the sake I study the tcm.. ArGZ, really a bit regret study now.. I should study only our finance is stable...

Today I should rest at home doing my thing, cos normally I will off during weekend, but then after buying books at JE, went to mother stall, then realise that no body help her, if i didnt help her, she and Ah Hu only.. and she will do alot of thing, making her more tired.. Although I stay at the stall helping her, I still abit siansation, moodless, cos I feel that I cant do my thing, somemore I really got alot of my thing to do, I really dont know how, what should I do.. I am too stress, more stress then poly life... Seem like studying, but not studying period, seem like working, but not full time working... Argz...

If I work now, she need not work for so long, and won't be xingku... But she don't understand me.. I won't giveup even though the tcm is very hard, hard to study, hard to understand, but the most affecting factor is I am troubled of her health if she continue work so long, cos of money, resulting me cannot concentrate, wanna give up in my tcm... Arg~, what should I do... HELP!!!

She got tell me if really busy with my tcm, I can no need to help her work... But if i really didnt help her, I will still cannot concentrate, and no mood to study. She will need to work very xingku to give for my fees, but I really scare she will break down within this 5 years.. I really do scare that if I really able study hard and get my tcm licence, she will left me, I haven repay her and she will be gone, very scare that this thing will happen again, like the case of my father.. Just finish poly and left me... Wo Hai Mei You Work, Hai Mei You Gei Ni Meng Xiang Shou and Xing Fu, Ni Que Li Wo Er Qu..

Mummy, If you exchange your health, working so Xing Ku, in order for me to study well in my tcm, get my license after 5years, do you think I now can study well. I know I should study well so that your effort wont be gone, but life is so wu chang, what if similar to daddy case, then how.. I am very troubled, I am very tired, I am very stress, I am very scare... Nobody understand my feeling!!

My life is so messy....

Recently, I am so tired and my life is totally different compared to poly life.. At least during poly life, life is not as messy as now.. Everytime after my sch lesson, I will have a nap first in the afternoon, then go to work... But this few days, I slept until 7 plus and didnt go for work.. End up I cant sleep well at night... Wanna study and revise my sch work, but only use up 1/4 day, cos most of the time is sleeping in the afternoon. Knowing that if i continue doing this, I wont be sleeping well in night, and also make me more tired.. ARGZ.. But really BTH of the life now, really damm tired...

Besides, my Da Jing Pao come back liao, now more worst.. more bigger liao.. making me this few days so unwell.. sometimes feeling that got thing around my neck, and unable to breathe that well.. ARGZ.. a bit pain too... Hai~ Most of the time got this feeling: Before become a gd doctor, now is a very jialat patient.. If own self got so many illness, how to become a gd doctor to save other ppl.. Really abit Hui Xing, and so siansation... Maybe too stress liao, thus the illness come back.. Really too stress now compared to poly life.. Really miss the poly life, last min study also can, now.. Hai~ Cant ar...

Today is my father 100 days, but morning need to go sch.. Cant go to Guang Ming Shan to pray.. Times really fly fast.. Till now most of the time still think of my dad.. how I wish he still alive.. when I watch the show in U channel, focus on why youngster choose to leave the house.. Then i think of dad.. I also Li Jia Chu Zou when I was in sec 2, and even think of sucide, but saw him and mum so worry for me, he didnt scold me, but sayang me... And also during age 19 when I cut my hand, he as a taxi driver heard abt my thing from my mum, cos she call him, he immediately rush back to home from town area.. Like the show, it is very hard for a father to say sorry to their children, my dad last time wont say sorry to us even if he got wrong, but only last year, he start to say sorry.. But for my Zhui Sheng De Ying Xiang is before he past away, that was a week or more before, during the night, he ask me to make properly the sofa for him to sit... that time he already dont have a leg, so he cant do himself and ask for my help, so i turn the sofa here and there, but still not wat he want.. I really so Pei Chei, and show a bit of attitude.. then he no choice, he come over, and make the position of the sofa.. then he say Shi Papa De Chuo, Bu Hui Jiang.. Since that time till now, I really feel Chan Kui and really bad, and I am the one should say sorry, cos I am too impatient.. When go for lesson, especially study on the bones one, I will immediately think of him, when read the San Shi Ying Guo Jing, I also think of him, when watch tv, also think of him, when go to religion, when they say must treat well your parent if they still alive, i also will think of him, and also when I see those without a leg in the street, or sit on the wheel chair, I also will think of DAD, I really miss him.. Then this few weeks, I dreamt of him 2 or 3 times liao... No matter in real life or in dream, tear will still be coming out.. mum will sometimes feel that I didnt think of him, cos I didnt tell her what i feel of dad, only tell her I dreamt of dad.. As if i have forgotten him liao.. But to be truth, I didnt forget him, i really miss my dad alot alot, I will only cry alone, even my sis dont even know me crying... ArGz..

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,Daddy!!! How I wish I can still call you DADDY!!!