Holiday gonna end soon.. Sob sob...

Hai.. Going to start sch liao, so sian... Going to study again, and worse still, haven revise my retake exam.. Argz.. Suan liao, next week start studying, will be more hardworking than this sem... I will Jiayou one...

My Tz brought me Da Chang Jing from china, very thanks to her.. Hm.. Plan to everyday watch just one epsoide... Hm.. forget to say about last week camp, Hm.. I really enjoy in the camp, and 2 days camp really taught me alot.. I am grateful to Aihua jiejie.. I will treasure everyday, and do my best when I am still alive... I begin to like our Qin Shao Nian (teenager grp) alot... Still deciding wanna going back to Qin Shao Nian tution class, or remain in the du jing class for next year.. But my mum and Aihua jie jie is rite, they feel that I will learn more in tution class, but I like small kids in the dujing class leh.. How? Still got half to think and decide... :)

Btw, I say my sis going to Zhu Che is on chinese Aug, not english one.. So roughly shd be on Oct ba.. Haha, excited sia...

Argz, cheated by this taxi driver

Yesterday went to Tiong bahru to meet jie, hm.. She really dont like what I am now, haha.. She also think that I am so Ah Lian.. My mother keep call me Fei Niu, also means Ah lian sia... Hm.. Everytime when meet jie, we chat chat, I always feel very relax too, very nice to be her too... Then bec I need to go help my mum, then have to take cab to bukit batok... I really very very angry sia... The driver go for a very long way, waste my money and waste my time.. Reason why wanna take cab bec need to rush there, but in the end it also take the same time 30 min to reach mum stall.. He go to orchard, then to steven road, from PIE, then to Jurong Town Hall to Bukit batok.. Bec I busy msging, then when I look up, he went to orchard there sia.. Me knew he going a long way, and I really feel so.. Argz.. If i drive, I will go to AYE, then at clementi ave 6 there go to PIE, at the Bukit Batok east there turn, and is faster to reach there... If he in the end at jurong town hall turn, might as well at the AYE there to jurong town hall... In the end still the same, but the money and the time ar, wont be that expensive sia... I so angry, but din say him, just keep in my heart.. But then when i go off, i ask for his receipt... I will take note again if I take the cab... Taxi SHC5314B, i board in at 17:26, and end at 17:54, total of 20.8km, and it cost $14.50... Argz..　if i take cab from my house to my tcm sch, it only cost less than $13.. He really damed purposely one... Argz... I keep telling myself to cool down, but I really seem like get cheated sia... Anyway will have cause and effect, suan liao, Maybe I own him in the past... watever, zhong dou de dou...

Going to faint...

Recently didnt eat much, realise that the more saddness you are, you can tahan without eating.. To be true, I can only presevere until today, about 5 days plus, then today whole day only eat a biscute, then cycle from jurong west to my mother stall, near BBDC, then reach there I really so restless... I already very weak this few days, somemore force myself to cycle there... Then I dont wish to eat, but mum call me to drink the BA ZHEN soup.. I dislike the taste, so Eeee... Is not that my mother cook no nice, just tat I dont like.... Then after drink the soup liao, jialat, I begin to feel so uneasy, feeling like going to faint, my face turning white, and hard to breathe, and also feel like going to vomit, argz... dislike the feeling.. I quickly sit down on a chair... I think bec din really eat in the past, then how drink the soup and today use too much energy liao... Then my mum keep nagging and naggina saying that you see la, who tell you always Ai Er... Hm.. Anyway, today is eat alot, abit of JiRou (Vegetarian Chicken), and Ou Jian... Haha.. But the kind of full feeling I also tanhan.. From tml onward, will start to eat abit of food liao, cos going to jog from tml night, if not poly 50 sure sure die die die.. This few days dont feel like jogging cos body quite weak... But so sian, my park here is renovate, then cant jog there liao...

Tml is C camp, abit excited.. But actually dont wish to go one, But Ai Hua Jie jie win liao lor, she put me under in charge of medical one, of cos still got other ppl la, maybe they see me learn tcm, shd know a bit of this thing ba... Hm.. Hope tml everyone is all right then can no need me help liao.. hehe... Aihua jie jie said that tml is searching for something, we will start at Tian Hui, then will take train to alot of place.. It sound like a interesting game... Haha..

Time fly so fast, One week plus more start sch liao, so so siansation.. Haven really enjoy, wanna go malaysia sia, really hope to play play first, but i think.. Maybe in Dec ba.. Dont know Wen and Ting enjoy their holiday not.. Hai!!!

I haven enjoy my holiday yet, hopefully next week will ba... There are alot of thing I wanna do in the past, hopefully next week I can fulfil... Hehe...

:)

Yesterday went quality hotel bec of my class gathering as is for farewell for our teacher, ZHai Lao Shi.. Cos he leaving us.. Abit sad, cos he is really very gd teacher.. But to me I dont know wat to ask him, so din go talk to him... I begin to like my class alot, because of the exam thing, we know that they are not Zhi Shi, they will share their note, or tell us about some hint, and will share to whole class.. I am still very lucky that since young till now, my class is always not selfish one... Hehe..

Today went ktv with sherry and her friends... Actually plan to go cycle to BBDC to book bike one, cos going to learn bike.. In the end, I agree to accompany her... We agree to go Ice-Skating one... then about 6 friends come too... Hm.. I will feel abit weird weird... But still ok, they are quite friendly... Then they decided to went ktv.. me ok with it too.. but actually my voice has change, cos of exam that time and also my voice is quite weak bec, hm.. jie you know la...

Then i saw a Suan Ming, $10.. tell everything.. I didnt suan ming in outside.. so i just play play.. He is quite true sia.. Almost all I agree... After I write my name and birth date, he said that Rat are first, is gd.. Then see my hand.. Abit push my first thumb, saying that my thumb is quite strong.. Then my temper is abit not gd... He then added that dont angry with wat he say.. I just nodded, as i understand that there are gd and bad... Then he say my finger is long, is gd to be in a business in those computer thing, then i told him I play piano last time.. He say if i continue to learn again, I will be more gd in it..

Then he say I am a very filial person to my parent..He say then time if i do office work, my boss will very take gd care of me.. Cos he say I really put in effort to do thing one, Jing Xin Jing Li De Fu Chu... Then he also say now i will not have money, but in future I will have alot of money.. He also say that I am very emotional, put alot of feeling to it, Zhong Gan Qing De Ren, and that y I also very very easily to get hurt.. He also say tat I will cry easily one..He also say that I will have Bf recently, meaning my next bf is coming soon.. Exactly the same as wat my teacher told me sia.. Hm... But i told him I dont wish to know about when is my bf thing, but I ask about my friendship thing.. He told me everything will be fine, and will gd luck to me.. He also say that I wont anyhow spent money, but if buying music thing, I will so generous to spent those, but my clothes will be so Sui Bian.. I keep nodding... yea yea...He also see my fore head, he say is gd life...

Then he put the paper i write in a red packet and also add a pink dragon, saying that is $20.. I stunt.. Cos i dont have enough money.. and I feel cheated by it..Then no point, I have go atm take money.. then when i go back, I ask him again, I dont really care of whether got bf or not, but I really want to know about my recent happening of friendship.. He then told me tat... if is not a very serious problem such as stealing each other bf, then everything will be fine.. I really do hope this too... He say my Tcm thing can be my primary work in my life, and I can do well in piano too, take that as secondary... Abit bu shuang cos being cheated.. But in the end, he say really true, so I ok with it liao...

Then after that, I walk past another stall is selling magic.. In the end i brought the set for $120, I am broke liao... Cos actually wanna buy this starting year, mum say wanna buy for my bday present, but in the end no.. sob sob... The full set I wanna buy is from Toyerus... Maybe next time then buy that liao.. Now I brought one is almost from china.. some of those I didnt play before.. I quite like it.. The boss quite gd, give me extra one more magic free.. cos today is he last day... tml they going back to malaysia.. Y I brought magic, bec next time got chance can perform to my student kid in dujing.. Hehe.. Stop here liao, tml then type again..

["^U^"]

Yesterday went to cut my hair..Actually wanna cut Botak, but my friend call me dont, if wan, cut short can liao.. Haha, hm.. then when I went there, I just took a magazine, and look through to find which hair style I like.. Yea, I found it... I am not Xing Deng to cut my hair.. But aleast my tail still with me.. hehe.. If you ever ask me y cut my hair, I can just say is bec I wanna cut away my saddness.. Now then I understand y my fav teacher cut her hair short when she..... Hm.. I got happier and relax after cutting my hair...

Then when I reach home.. I give my mother see.. My mother really surprise.. And say U really cut short ar.. Cos she thought that I wont dare to do so.. then she say your tail gone liao ar.. Then I turn around and say na... Haha, she say y keeping the tail... In my thought, my tail has show how long of my hair was in the past, I just She Bu De, it just represent that there are thing I can let go, but there are some I still cant let go...

Then at night went to Mo Fan Ban, in order to keep my tail, i hide it inside my shirt... Cos my religion quite strict.. But they wont call me to cut away or wat, just tat I will be so Paiseh, that I know this rule, but I still offend it, and somemore I have Tang Zhu child... Anyway, about 3 weeks din go to mo fan ban liao cos busy with exam.. When listen to class, I feel that I am so peaceful, Xin more Ding Xia Lai.. At that point of time, I suddenly think of what jie told me on sunday... She say, if you are really fan, your heart is really Luan, pls think of the place of heart and Jing Xia Lai... Hm.. maybe at that point of time I cant.. But then when in the class, I really very happy that Jie will told me this.. That is bec this is wat I told her before, I cant remember when.. I am so happy cos whatever I told her in the past, she did listen and remember in her heart.. Now then I really understand that, once you save a person, in future that person will come and help or save you when you are going to enter a devil world.. Haha.. Cos since young I always listen to those Tang Zhu that, Ni Xian Zai Ke Yi Fu Chi Ta Ren, bec Ta Ren Xu Yao Ni De Bang Mang, Dan You Yi Tian Ni Yu Dao Kao Yan, Ta Ren Jiu Hui Lai Fu Chi Ni... ["^U^"] Thanks Jie... Really very thanks...

When I reach home at night, then my sis came back.. She saw my short hair.. Then she ask.. Y you cut your hair.. She keep asking and asking.. But I din answer back.. I just say, is it nice.. Then she say yea, is nice... Haha... My mother also say tml she also wanna go cut her hair same with me.. Hehe.. But too bad, she dont have tail.. Haha... Cos my mother like the hair style too.. hehe..

Then during sleep time, my mother came over my room, she just lie beside me on my bed, then my sis on another bed.. then we start our conversation.. about my sis going to Zhu Che thing.. Cos I dont understand what is Zhu Che means and what is Ding Hun (enagement ar) means.. Then my mother say Ding Hun got pray, exchange the ring, but Zhu Che mean is officially so call married, in the Law, they are married liao.. So I ask my sis, yours is Zhu Che or Ding Hun, then she say the guy told her is Zhu Che.. Then i ask again when is it.. She say that the guy mother prefer this August.. If this August, is quite fast... Then i ask if you Zhu Che liao, are you going to his house liao.. Then my sis say no la, she still live here, he still live in his house.. Cos 2 years later then marry, meaning the chinese traditional thing.. Hm.. To me, thing goes too fast.. I will miss my sister alot if she going to start her family.. Cos in future, No one accompany me liao, no one chat with me in the night, no one hug me liao (cos everyday when she back home we will have a hug hug), no one Da Da me liao, no one bath with me liao, no one quarrel with me liao.. Hai.. I love her alot, really so She Bu De, but still will happy for her.. Even though I am elder sister, but actually I always become Younger sister to her, She always call me Mei Mei, I always call her Jie Jie, she will saYang me.. But everytime quarrel finish, I will call her Mei Mei if i am in the wrong.. Haha.. I really will miss all these..

Then my mother keep shooting her.. The conversation is dame funny, keep make me laugh.. Hm.. And also asking in future, is her baby still vegetarian or not.. She say the guy wanna the baby to eat meat.. ARGZ.. I say her that you no power.. I really do hope her baby will be vegetarian, that is bec being a vegetarian since in mother Du Zhi, is very Nan De, and when grow up, will be very proud of it... Sometimes I went to my friends websites, they are Vegetarian like us, and they also do feel that they are so proud to be.. Hm.. They are younger than me, they only about between age 14 to 19, and they also feel the same as me.. And my brother is the first one to say that if sis baby not vegetarian, if sis got thing happen one day, he will not help her, and he scold her stupid... I am the 2nd to scold my sis stupid too, and my mother is the 3rd one.. hehe..

I already say before, if next time I got money, if her baby not vegetarian, when i die, I will not give her children any Yi Chang one.. Hai""" Hope she can wake up her trueself... Then my mother keep teasing me that next time sis baby going to call me Da Yi Ma.. Pls lor, Da Yi can liao.. Dont call me Da Yi Ma, call mean period sia...

Then my mother say she going to have half son liao, so she ask me when can I have another half son.. Eversince knowing my sis going Zhu Che, she have been calling me to quicly find one, so that me and sis can together marry, then she say can save money.. hm... diao diao diao.. until yesterday night still keep saying this, then i say Gou Le (enough).. I repeat so many time.. then you know wat funny, she say half son where got enough.. I diao... I say my meaning of enough is enough of saying all this la.. Haha.. Then she also told me that Lim Tang Zhu, my mother friend, wanna introduce me a guy.. hm.. I just hm.. ever since this year as i mention before, other than the 3 guys, already have tcm friend wanna introduce me a guy, then now this sia.. Really dont know why this year I will need to face all this.. My mother also say, hm.. better to find my future husband who is also tcm one.. then she can help up in the cashier or taking the medicine one.. Then i reply her yea yea yea...
Sun Qi Zhi Ran Ba.. I have said that only the real guy can Da Dong my now cold cold heart.. Whoever can, then might try.. haha...

My heart has become ICE, so who can melt it and win my heart????

My life in this half a year 2006

Just to conclude this half year of 2006 I am facing.. Whenever new year come, everyone will say, Xing De Yi Nian, Xing De Yi Tian, and Xing De Kai Shi.. But to me, I totally hate 2006 year... Although when 2005, my dad past away is my only DaJi, but this year is totally more DaJi to me... During march, I face this Daji alot alot alot.. and now June I face again 3 DaJi... All these DaJi happening is all because of me, my fault... I am totally wrong, wrong until so jialat.. I am not being a gd S******, I am not being a S******, I am not being a hardworking student, and lastly I am not being a gd best friend... These four thing is my ever lowerest period of my life is this 2006.. Somemore during june, 3 problem continuosly happen at the same time... Argz... In my whole life, I think I never face any of this Daji continuosly, ususally is spread to different months... But just this june, can kill me alot alot alot...

My 2 best friends scare that I will have negative thought again and will hurt myself.. hm... I admit I have thought of killing myself only.. I didnt do it because of alot reasons.. As for hurting myself, of cos I wont use knife or watever thing like the past, I wont hurt myself physically.. Cos all this hurt already cannot compared to my heart hurt... No matter what, I will not forgive myself for letting all this to happen..

I know all these is my kao Yan given to me by God, wanna me to become a even more better person, stronger person.. From this past year till now, I learnt that the more Treasure I put, the more Kaoyan and hurt I will get.. If I can change my life, I will choose to be like my sister who dont bother of all these, Tian Ta Xia Lai Dang Bei Gai.. Argz!!!!!!!! Recently, I still blame my mother for being giving birth to me.. Since me and my sister are just like only one child, I rather my sister come to this world.. My mum told me tat last time she very Wu Zhi, bec of some unhappy thing, she got try to make us away when she pregnant, she try to eat medicine, eat those thing that will Liu Chang one, but no matter how she try, She just cant get rid of us.. Then I told my mother, you shd have try another method ma... Maybe when you all hear liao, will say that I will hurt my mother, But i can say that is my mother wont hurt by wat I say liao, cos she know me well... In the end, she sayang me and call me dont cry liao... Argz!!!!

I am really very very very tired tired tired...Physically and mentally tired.. No matter what, resulting in all this happening is all because of me, I will not forgive myself, i promise... Is all my fault!!!

I will close my heart, I will not give my feeling to anyone else liao, maybe only my real Bai Ma Wang Zi or might not.. I know my friends, jie, especially my tcm friends, alot of them really concerning of me.. I am really touched, thanks..

This few days those 3 guys either msn and sms me, and 2 of them show me their care and concern.. My cousin wanna to accompany me and go DRINKS if I want.. When I read liao, I only thanks them for concerning me.. But I am not really touched at all.. I appeciate only.. I dont feel any happiness when 3 guys woo me at the same time, cos I already destroy my real and the most treasure Happiness in my hand... I really dont have anymore feeling on this.. If in the past, I will be so happy that guys woo me.. And I will easily agree to stead with them or wat.. But now, No.. I will solve this BGR in this few days, I just dont wanna drag liao..

Btw, my sis going to engagement soon, but dont know is this year or next year, the guy has told his family about it liao.. If you ever ask am I happy of it, I will just say ok lor, that is not just bec of jealous of her or wat.. I will congrats her and give her my blessing... I will never envyor jealous of her in my life, if got is only that she is much more prettier than me, but in term of relationship, I din.. I just hope her to have more mature thinking, to be more understanding person, and to be more filial to her future mother-in-law or father-in-law, and also especially to my mother.. I wont expect anymore from her liao.. All the best..

But I know that all my relatives or friends will keep saying that, how about yours, when you going to marry, or have you find bf or watever, I will only just smile to them, and say hm.. sun qi zhi ran... I might feel abit unhappy to hear those thing, but I just dont wanna carry on those conversation.. Her type of happiness and my type of happiness is totally different..

hm.. Wat is a PROMISE to me actually.. In the past, I really Zhong Shi on this promise.. Promise is a very important to me.. But now recent happening, I realised that the important of this Promise has slowly decrease.. No matter someone give me promise, but in the end break it, I am dammed sad and hurt of it, or I give other ppl promises and yet I also din fulfill, and this hurt me more.. I am tired of all this.. But to those promise I give to mum, jie, and her, I will fulfill it.. This is only to show how much important of promise i feel in the past.. But now, frm tml onward, I wont give any one any promise liao.. I know how much hurt i get just bec of Promise.. I will treasure the rest of those promises until when each of this promises can fulfil, I know I will not get that hurt liao.. If i will promise, I will only give to my god about the Qing Xiu thing at the age of 29, where at least I will still fulfill this promise I given to her... Time will fly past, all thing is hard to say, I will try my best just to fulfill this promise...

This willl be my last blog of writing those saddness thing.. In future, I will only share my happy thing.. I will keep all my sadness in my heart and in (Me & Her) diary... I will keep this in my heart until I leave this world.. Jie once told me that wat if burst how, hm.. Jie, if really burst, that will be my last day of life liao... Jie, you will say that I am Yi Qi Yong Shi, but to me, I am not.. That is bec I realise that sharing saddness or not sharing saddness, thing still happening.. But I now Truly know tat wat I want, and that is if sharing saddness will cos other party to be sad, worry also, I really wont wanna share.. I meant it.. I rather choose not to be a gd friend now, rather them making ppl sad for me.. Do you understand, jie... I know I am very emotional, and I always cant hide my feeling, cos my expression will show it, But do you know sometimes my mother dont even know I am so down, sad, that is bec I will choose to avoid her, dont wanna see me like that.. No matter Got share or not share, I know I will still be wrong, if that the case, I will choose to hide it.. Jie you say that whatever thing I do, or I made, YOu will support me one.. I know that I cannot Yi Qi Yong Shi, but if 2 weeks later I still have this thinking very strong, pls support me.. No matter wat, I will still lend my ear to you, or other friends to share you all thing.. I am really dammed tired, tired in everything, giving up alot thing that I wish i am not.. But I will continue it..

Lastly, thanks for all friends that care and concern of me... I appreciate it..

I have already try my best to do watever I shd do, but in the end, what I get? Only recieve more hurt and saddness.. In that case, I will choose to give up what is the best I shd do, give up on wat is the perfect, give up of my thinking.. I just wanna to be a normal person.. Those treasure thing I used to think is also very important to me, I will slowy let go, as I say earlier on, the more Treasure I am, more hurt will be made on me.. Still got about 20 years of life to go, I will now only concentrate on my mission, that all.. As long as I can fulfil my mission, I will die withour regret (jie, you know right)... I stop here, watever I wanna say, I have type in this blog liao.. Take care, and all the best for my friends...

To the only one I HURT most, and that is you, APPLE!!!

This will be my first and last dairy i will put in this blog, and is only meant for you...

To my Dearest Apple,
I know whatever i say, is already no use... No matter how much i say SORRY to you, and tat is also no use, cos I know I hurt you much... You might be hurt more than I did... To me, i wanna tell you all this, because that is a best friend need to do... U may be misunderstand tat I told you my friend has told me.. In here I say again.. My friend say tat if one party dont tell another party their feeling, then tat is counted not a very best friend... Do you see the point? Is not your fault.. all is my fault... Is me not doing what a best friend need to do... I am wondering this few weeks, whether wat is a best friend should be, are we still or not? That is all my problem and not you... You may be very best friend to me, but I seem like not being a best friend to you cos I hide thing away from you.. Do you get my point...

As for the Zhi Ji, I am sorry to think that, but I really confuse... I maybe a bit dong yao on this, but no matter wat, I still did regard you as my Zhi Ji... And this is forever and I know it... Then why is that I only tell Irene jie some of my unhappiness, that is bec I really very Zhai Hu, treasure the promise I give you... I really dont wanna let you sad, let you cry over this small thing... But this doesnt mean tat you are not my Zhi Ji... You know...

As for my father thing, as for my Qing Xiu thing, as for my most most sad thing, you are always be there for me.. To me, that is enough... I do appreaciate it alot in my heart, just tat you dont know.. Why I know tat you will be my very best friend and only zhi ji that is bec I can see you cry over my Qing Xiu thing, my dad funernal.. You think I didnt see you cry in my father funeral when you help me take those video? Actually I did saw it, I know you are the one I can put all my effort, all my feeling... If you dont believe, you can ask my mother... Eversince I have regard you as my poly very best friend, I always tell my mother about you... I told you tat my mother will say me tat why keep making this art thing for you, do you know wat is my ans... I say cos you are my best friend and I know I wont regret spenting all those time, all those effort... Sometimes she might feel weird about this, but I always told her, can you find a real friend that will cry over when you say you wanna Qing Xiu.. She didnt.. But I told her, I found it... That is my real friend.. And you are the only friend in my whole life tat will cry, sad, wanna my life to be so happiness.. Where can I still find this kind of friend... No one liao... only you...

And who is the only one that will accompany me 2 days during my father funeral when I really so SAD* million of times, and who is the only one that accompany me the whole night during the first day... and is you again... Do you think I forget it ma... Now even I am in tcm, I always share those things abt those care and concern u gave me, those present art you do for me, those tear from you abt my dad thing and my Qing Xiu thing, to my tcm friends.. Besides my tcm friends, my sec friends, my fav teacher, my religion friends, especially the 2 sisters that you think they are really very pretty one, but i told the younger sister and my four aunts that you met them before.. But why, tat is bec I really appreaciate whatever you do for me in my heart, and I wanna share my this happiness with everyone I know.. You know my, my sec friends quite envy of me, cos I can truely find a person, a very true and gd friend that treat me very gd that I know you wont do any harm to me... I am so proud to have you in my life, you know.. My sis is sometimes jealous of me treat you so good, but i dont care... At least you wanna my happiness so much rather than her.. She wont cry over me for those Qing Xiu thing, but only you.. She wont cry over my saddness thing, but only you again...

But to me, as long as you are be there for me whenever those major Sad thing, that is really enough for me liao.. Cos you have done alot for me liao.. If I last time didnt promise you that I wont let you sad, let you cry over me, I can tell you tat whatever thing I am going through, no matter how major or minor saddness.. I will of course tell you... But why am I like tat, I just dont wanna let you sad, worry for me just those minor sad thing... Is all bec I really wanna you to be happy always.. More HAPPY than SAD for me, when you are with me!!!! Just bec of the promise, I hesitate to tell you watever sadness I going through, and that is why my friend say if this kind of friendship is not call best friend.. So no matter wat, all problem lie on me.. I dont wanna this kind of what my friend call this kind of friendship, that why now I decided to tell you watever my sad thing, my unhappy thing.. But I dont meant to let you hear liao, getting hurt, getting sad... Do you know how pain is my heart to see you cry again... I blame myself hard for always breaking those promise, I wont forgive myself...

Why is tat I drive to you house just to see you again, cos after you left, I really Bu Fang Xin.. I just wanna you to be safe reach home.. After c you again, then I know how much hurt I have create on you.. You call me to drive safely home, but at that point of times, I really dont feeling like going home.. When driving, I just wanna bang myself, just die like tat, but I know I cant, If i do so, I will make your whole life miserable, and I dont wanna my family to blame on you.. That Y i decided to sms you telling tat I reach home.. I also wanna you to fang xing for me, you know..

Apple, I wanna a real true friend, a true best friend, that I can share everything.. Only from now then I really understand wat is a best friend, tat is sharing watever happiness, watever saddness, without hiding... I am wrong in the past, tats y i really dont want this kind of hiding friendship.. I wanna a true best friend that I give you... I know that whatever sadnness or happiness, you will always tell me, I really grateful to it... To me, I also wanna same like you, you know...

I really dont wanna see you cry, I really dont wanna hurt you so much, I really dont wanna.. I wanna see your cheerful side, happy side... But now, I am making worst.. Facing you, I really dont know what to say, all is only sorry.. I really dont have face to see you.. Apple, I really like you alot as my very best friend, and really dont wish to lose you.. But as I say earlier,I really dont care of the outcome.. Whether you forgiving me or not, I really wont think too much.. All I know is, I will always be your best friend forever, your Zhi Ji forever, and no matter how happiness and Saddness u r, I will always be there for you in my heart, like what the composed song I write for you... [Bu Guan Duo Yuan Wo Hui Zai Zhe Li Shou Hu Zhe Ni, and also Ni Shi WO De Zhi Ji, Liao Jie Wo De Xin Shi] I will left away from you, I wont trouble you anymore, I wont make you cry anymore, I wont let you sad anymore, But pls do, Find your real best friend who is more better, who will confirm better than me... I am just a failure friend to you, in my whole life, If I really Dui Bu Qi, Shan Hai De Ren in my friendship, and that you only...

Thanks for every prayer for me, I really can sense that, cos I know you wanna me have happy, better life.. Thanks my dear friend... I did enjoy the concert, just tat not as much as the past, that is bec I know I need to face those thing after the concert, face how to tell you.. Anyway, very big thank you to you, cos you always let me see your religion concert... I really did enjoy watching and listening.. You may feel tat I seldom active, as you know tat my religion style and yours is totally different, we here is quite serious one, so I sometimes find it weird to follow wat you do.. But apple, not saying today concert one, cos those think that I troubled in my mind, but you know ma, in the past, I really do listen to you, really do give you face, really do Pei He Ni, watever you call me stand up, or use the lighting stick, I will still try to follow.. Even though since young didnt have this kind feeling, but I do for your sake, I still do watever you call me.. Apple, I really did enjoy and like it during the concert where we using the sand bottle.. No matter what you wanna me to do, for your sake, I will always do, that is bec your are my best friend..

Dui Bu Qi, Wo Bu Hui Zai Fan Ni Le... Good bye, my dearest APPLE!! Jiayou Apple!!

Love,
Jiajia
18/06/2006
1.55 am

This is how I always write to you in my dairy.. Take care...

SUAY YEAR'06

After I study till 1 am, i still left the blood question and the kidney question to go and i planned to start on 3am, thus i go and rest.. But then, I was too tired that i fall asleep... worst till, I awake up at only 9am... The first word from my mouth today was Oh my god, shit.. I know i going to fail the exam liao, cos left one hour can only study a topic... Hai!

3rd paper over liao.. After the exam, I called my mother about tat i going to fail this too, haha.. She laugh, she thought I am lying.. Hm.. at that point of time, I was laughing too, but i mean it... Then when my mother come and fetch me at bukit batok, she say that why am i sad when i was so happy, laughing... and why am i angry when was crying..hm.. When she say tat, my tear is inside my eyes, but din cry out.. I was too sad and disappoint of myself that I really cant show I am crying.. If really compared, I am more hurt on last mon than now... It has made my feeling become so cold, cold until it reach the max limit that now I am not so hurt when knowing that I going to fail the 3rd exam too.. Haha.. I was laughing bec I have continously fail the 3 subject, I couldnt believe it... This is my first time sia...

Since young till poly, even my poly friends know well tat whenever exam come, whatever I study sure comeout, I was so Heng so lucky, but this year, so so so suay, watever I study well, it din come out.. if not i will have pass liao... Argz... Hm.. last time i usually think that the reason why i so lucky is bec I feel and sense that my dear God is always helping me.. But why this time no... Hm.. especially this year i involve alot in my relgion activities, but why my dear lao mu niang din help me leh... Hm.. I didnt not blame my dear god, bec i know that she want me to do even better... This is difference from poly, this is a medical thing, maybe she want be to fully know it then can pass me, right.. I always got this feeling tat, watever i do now, gd or bad one, god always will have their own reason so as to make me more stronger person.. Thanks..

From this exam, I learn tat something especially on that mon, as for exam wise, I cant always depend luck given from god, and I need to be more hardworkingt than before, cos alot of thing really cant control, it is so unexpected especially... Hm.. no matter what, my feeling for now will be far of better than that on last monday... I learnt, learnt so painfully, hurt so painfully... Argz... From now onwards, whatever thing, sad/happy/joy, I will keep down to my heart, I wont need to rely on others, Kao myself.. Haha...but only of some exception...

It has been a week, I rather thing din happen, I dont wish to troubled by it, but is hard not to think.. I have been thinking till now.. No other thing will affect me so much.. No other thing will hurt me so much.. I giveup, giveup on my past thinking, so i think to learn, learn to be more dependance on myself.. This maybe c so gd, but when times goes by, it might not like wat you think, is somesort fake... I am be very stubborn last time, cos i always think tat it will not change, that y perserve on, but now, knowing that thinking shd always change... cannot always think wat you think it shd be, cos in the end is only lie to ownself...

I WILL CHANGE!!!

I am... Argz...

I hate this semester... Jie, even though I told u that i will wanna a break, but my mind still will think... To be true, this time round, I am really hurt, hurt until my heart break, hurt until I am giving up in... Hm.. I used to think that I am quite a happiness person, but now i dont feel any joy... I will treat it as a lesson.. I know tat the more I treasure, the more I am getting hurt, the more happiness I am, the more saddness I am too.. This is a kaoyan, I wont blame anyone, and of cos my dearest LaoMuLiang too.. But only have to blame myself... This is life, a cycle.. When reaching the higestest limit, in the end, it will also begin to go down... Gd thing wont last... Jie, u say tat you only want to give me a short break, but if I really want a break, I really want a long long long break......

I have been trying very hard, to please, to treasure anything around in my life.. Cos I always thought they are very important to me.. I ever wonder tat if I dont treasure, dont Fu Chu, maybe I wont get those happiness now, but I might wish to be a average person tat wont affect alot by this emotional thing.. Do you agree..

I just need an understanding, concerning, caring and be there for me when I am down, that is enough, and all this is my motivation, my support... Why there is a turing in my life at age 19, bec I feel and sense all this, and it change my life.. I wont return back to the past me, tat is bec I have learn and study alot of those Dao Li.. But if can go back, where I dont understand and study alot of those dao, I will prefer tat way I am, dont care of others, just do myself, no need care, no need concern, no need to... Jie, I know u get wat i mean...

Jie, u know tat I will sacrifice my whole life happiness to change my surrounding ppl to get Enlightenment.. No matter for now, or future I wont regret... But sometimes I will feel tat i am so silly to have this thinking.. I did mention to you tat I hope to be a care and free person, dont bother in other ppl thing, and affect me too much but you say I wont... Indeed I wont.. But this begin to let me feel so tired and tired, and also wonder if my thinking still correct, will i still persevere on? Nah.. I know tat you will say my thinking is right and I will still continue with it, right...

hm..Promise!! Is which I really believe tat a Promise it importance.. But yet I failed to do so.. I am sorry to break my promise.. I will never ever promise anyone, if only I know I can do it.. Bec I fail in my promise, I hate myself in it.. Argz.. Jie, but can you promise me something, and that is accompany me to go DRINK.. This time round, I have the urge to get drunk.. Really.. I know this is bad for health, and I know I cant do tat, but I dont care... Just once for now... please, my dearest Jie...

I am tired, is 3.30am liao, going sleep, wont be blogging until next week thurs...

Lastly, my feeling to ___:
I feel tat we are drifting apart, I slowly begin to dont really understand you, more and more stranger.. From a friend conversation, and she ask me how well I know you, but I really couldnt ans back, she then say bec I really dont Liao Jie you and we are not tat___.. Eversince then, I been wondering why I dont know, I always thought I know you well.. This prove me wrong, totally failure... Argz... Anyway, I will learn to fangxia in alot of the thing tat I wont need anymore care, any concern, any thing for me, I will also learn to be more independance, I will not give anymore promises in future, I will stay away from you as possible as I wont want to trouble you, but for only one thing, I will always give you my support and be there for you when you are down, and that will be my last promise to you.... DuiBuQi..Maybe one day, hm...